So I decided I had to send you something to let you know that i am living and tell you what has happened the last few days with me. So yesterday I went to my appointment put everything out on the table with the guy and I was not feeling good. On the 45 question stress test they gave me I was in the eighties somewhere, the acceptable limit is at 62. Twenty two points above I think is where I was. 62 points is an unhealthy level of stress but it is manageable and handle able. But where I was on the scale at the end of my hour session with the guy, Brother Burton I think it was, he told me that I had to truly decide upon my standings on that test and how I felt, if I thought I was healthy enough to go into the field--he gave me two options really, one I go to Argentina on Monday and make myself become better through rational thoughts and a focus on the work. But he said if I didn’t change how I was doing now it wouldn’t get easier there and I couldn’t bank on being okay from just trying in a different country. Option number two, he truly made me promise that I would consider and think about the possibility of going home on an honorable medical discharge from the mission for depression. He said that my stress levels were high enough that the possibility of that happening was just as likely now as in three months if I truly didn’t feel like I could get better.... I told him then and there that I would suffer through months of this hell before I went home for "depression" and that it was an impossible thought in my head. He told me after that, that I had to make that decision by Saturday. That I had to think about it, that I had to pray about it, that I had to know that I would receive a full honorable return allowance for no other reason than me being incapable. Then that night I was studying with the zone leaders and I was able to suddenly have this huge drive to study and to work and to understand and to become better. After that i felt so much better and I was genuinely happy for a little minute and I was feeling like I could handle stuff, then as we taught the law of chastity that night I felt good and I felt the spirit. Then I went home and slept and woke up still feeling better, but not the same as the night before. I knew that God helped me last night and that through last night he was telling me that he could help me through it. Then I had an interview with the equivalent of a stake president today and I didn’t feel any better after that, mostly because I had my last night feelings going on right then, but after all day doing infield orientation I felt bad again, back in the rut. But I am going to stay here, and I know God will help me. I’m doing better I promise.
I love you parents. I am handling this the best I can and will continue to. Pray for me.
Elder Jayson Benedict