Monday, September 29, 2014

I'm pretty worried about me

18 September 2014

I’m sorry you are worried about me... I’m pretty worried about me to. Honestly I’m really not doing too good. I have an appointment with a psychologist at four so that should be good and help me some. I’m just honestly not feeling like I’m getting help from the Lord like I need in order to keep doing his work. But estoy bien I will work through it. I always do. So I don’t know if Jesika has told you about my flight plans but I leave Monday the 22 and will be leaving Salt Lake at 11 in the morning for Atlanta, I will land there at 4:40 pm and from there I will be heading to Argentina at nine at night. So over all I should have over four hours of just sitting, but I’ve written you about this in your real letter that you should receive Saturday or Friday. Probably Saturday if I had to guess. In my email to you I will include pictures of the flight plans that I have and let you know all the details on that. Don't tell dad but I’m not gonna write him an email today so this is the only one you guys will get. Maybe I’ll send him all my pictures.Ya that’s what I’ll do. Being diplomatic up in here ;) So as you will see in my letter to you this week has been really hard for me. I just have gotten all kinds of depressed for what seems like no reason and I hate it. I miss being happy so bad. I told Lexy all about it in the letters she won’t receive until I’ve left the country, but you can ask her about them once she gets them. She seems to be struggling up at collage like I am here... La lucha es real. But on Sunday, I had the opportunity to watch The Joseph Smith movie again and I always bawl during that movie. It’s just so strong and powerful and the truth of his message and this book are so real. I love that I’ve been able to gain so many great insights into the church and how much my testimony has just jumped up and how I can now feel the spirit so much stronger. The problem is that I still lack the spirit of comfort. I have received so much of the spirit of the truth of the doctrine and I know like I have never known before that the church is true and that God leads it through a prophet but I just don’t seem to receive all the promises that I have been promised. But onto the next point, you guys were gone but the Utah stake, like Jesika I think, and the Wasatch stake, I think, got to watch elder Richard G Scott speak and then last Tuesday he came to the MTC and spoke to us. It was a really great talk and I will send dad pictures of the notes I took because it really was a great talk and I love him. It was all about prayer and a lot of it I had already known and was practicing, but it was a lot of confirmation that what I’m doing whenIi pray is the right way to be doing it. Which is equally scary because I don’t feel like it is working, a couple of things that I really loved that he said was "I know without a doubt, every good thing in my life came from my decision to serve a mission" Me encanta this quote because this man was so cool and he had done so many great things in his life and became an apostle, but all good things came from him deciding he was going to serve a mission. I loved that line he also offered us a promise as missionary’s. "As you pray God will convey to you what you need to do to have a successful mission." I hope that is right and true because I need the Lords direction so much in my life. I am seriously not doing well, better today than I have in a long while, but I’m still struggling. I know that God loves his children and he loves me. He has revealed the truth of this gospel to me, but I still don’t seem to receive all that I think I need. Hopefully God will give me what is expedient for me and not let me fall. It is my most sincere and heart felt prayer and I say it almost every night in some form or another. I have turned into such a little baby here in the MTC. I’m not sure there has been a night in the last two and a half weeks where I haven’t cried. Its tough business, but its Gods work. Christ’s life was never easy so I don’t expect representing him will be easy either. I just hope that it gets better from where I am. I’m not sure how long I can keep working how I am, but I promise that I will continue to try as long as I possibly can. I pray that God will love me and not let me fall.
I love this church and I love the truth I know. I know this is all real and Satan knows that I have a gained a testimony of it stronger than either of us knew was possible and now he seems to be throwing new angles of ways to hurt me. I will keep fighting though. I bet you I won’t come home mom. I bet you.
Love your missionary.
Elder Jayson Benedict

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